lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
What's dad's email?
[email protected]
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
