I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
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