i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
