Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Randomize
