The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
