Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
