I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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