there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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