god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
