I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
as a side note pls kill me
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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