i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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