So drunk its hurt
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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