she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
