youre lurking in front of me
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Randomize
