I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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