Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
