Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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