He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Randomize
