don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
