best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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