nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
