Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
