JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
