I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.�
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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