You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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