Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Let's paint friendship bongs
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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