brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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