i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Randomize
