Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
