Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
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