I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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