You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I AM VODKA MAN
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
