Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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