I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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