So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
