after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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