No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
