R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
zippers are such a cool invention
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
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