I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
