Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
