The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
where does the pee come out of this thing
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
