He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Randomize
