God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
We have started to decorate penises.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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