just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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