Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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