dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
