Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
