bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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