i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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