is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
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